i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
