ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
