I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
