Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
