I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize