apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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