I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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