She is in my trunk
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Let's paint friendship bongs
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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