remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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