He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
