In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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