Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize