they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
