I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Randomize
