My entire life is one complicated drinking game
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
my poor anus
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
