at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
