She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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