Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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