I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
