Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
