i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
