so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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