i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
