I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
