so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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