The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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