You don't have asthma, your pregnant
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
