nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
