If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
