I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
