I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
