if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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