I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
