I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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