Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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