so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
