wrigley field is MILF paradise
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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