the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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