I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
