True but thats because hes a fetus.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
