please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
