Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
