I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
