worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
