i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
