I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
