Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
