It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
