Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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