my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
