I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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