do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
