Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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