Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize