You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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