You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
