I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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