There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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