Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
