The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I would ride that face into the sunset
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
