watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
